Keeping Up With The Parental Units: March 2016

Welcome, Welcome, Welcome!

To the America’s Next Top Idolized President 2016 Reality Show!

You have to be crazy to run for president!

This has been the most insane campaign ever, and therefore a gold mine for the late night comics. For your Purim enjoyment I have compiled some of what I think is their best stuff. Here’s Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Live, Conan O'Brien, and John Oliver.

But first, here are some Actual Candidate Quotes:

Fallon: “How are you going to create jobs in this country?” Trump: “I’m just going to do it.” Fallon: “But how?” Trump: “By doing it. It just happens.”

"What do I know about it? All I know is what's on the internet." Trump

“I am the best friend Israel has; I was Grand Marshall at the Israeli Day Parade.” Trump

“The way I look at it, even if Donald Trump turns out to be not such a great president, we’re only looking at 4 years.” Ben Carson

“I’ve been as transparent as I know to be,” Clinton in response to Anderson Cooper, re her emails

Great One-Liners:

"Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton were named the winners of Monday's Iowa caucuses. Cruz celebrated by giving a speech to his supporters, and Hillary celebrated by moving her stuff back into the White House." Meyers

"According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton has lost a third of her supporters in Iowa since May. There's still debate as to whether she lost them or just deleted them from her database." Fallon

Re Jim Gilmore in Iowa - “He only got 12 votes. That is less - this is true we looked it up - than the number of people in Iowa named Jim Gilmore. He is the front runner of last place.” Colbert

“If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, it will still get more votes than Jim Web.” Colbert

"This Sunday is Super Bowl 50, between the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers. Of course it'll be weird when they do the coin toss before the big game, and the winner is still somehow Hillary Clinton." Fallon

"Republican presidential hopeful Chris Christie said this weekend that he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. And just to be safe, Mayor de Blasio issued a tsunami warning for Lower Manhattan." Meyers

Re Jeb Bush - “He had all the advantages of name recognition but was saddled with the burden of name recognition.” Colbert

Re Bernie’s loss in Florida - “It’s so sad to see Bernie betrayed by the people he most resembles.” Colbert

“I learnd to spel at Trummp Universsidy,” – Myers’ suggestion for a Trump rally sign

Carson resigned saying He sees no path forward. “Dr, with your eyes closed, you can’t see anything forward.” Colbert

"Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is both of you should get to be president." Meyers

"A Donald Trump rally was delayed for nearly two hours yesterday due to fog. At one point the fog was so thick; Trump supporters couldn't even see who they were punching." Fallon

"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote." Meyers

“Tea party Senator Ted Cruz claims he currently does not have health insurance. Man, this guy will say anything to prove he's not Canadian." Conan O'Brien

"Ted Cruz has been moving up in the polls but still is only the fourth most popular “Cruise” behind Tom, Penelope, and Carnival." Kimmel

Videos - These are all must sees:

The Truth about Donald Trump; Make Donald Drumph again! John Oliver www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnpO_RTSNmQ&feature=youtu.be

Early in the campaign re the election: All Americans are affected by the outcome, all of us get to have our say, and nearly all of us are running. Colbert. www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8ed_BVDgwI

Trump vs Trump debate. Colbert www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpKiP_gmDS8

“Lie Witness News” interview of people in California on whom they voted for on “Super Tuesday” March 22^nd, although CA’s primary is in June. Kimmel www.youtube.com/watch?v=jka3nb9CGV8

Trump victory speech, Iowa: "First Is the Worst, Second Is the Best" Fallon www.youtube.com/watch?v=N30zt9mRi_k

“The Hungry for Power Games” series. Take off on the Hunger Games, as candidates are “eliminated”. The whole series is hilarious. Check out post-Iowa. Colbert www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruWSO6vYKXQ

SNL Hillary announces her candidacy “Citizens you will elect me!” With a guest appearance by “Bill” www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXdNYXMQoy8

Super Tuesday wrap up: Hillary “I’ve got clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, and here you are, stuck in the middle with me.” SNL www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1hEyiE2q-w

Trump giving his Super Tuesday Victory Speech, about Hillary: “In 2008 she lost to a black man. In 2016 she will lose to an orange man. Orange is the new black.” Fallon www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRhKS7gYq9E

Bernie Sanders “My message is resonating with a very diverse group of white people. And I’ve got supporters of all ages - 18 year olds, 19 year olds...That’s it.” SNL www.youtube.com/watch?v=E--oLFYs9aI (start at 3 minutes)

“The Producers,” Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderik, promote Trump for president - Kimmel www.youtube.com/watch?v=OemqVWi_R0k

Palin endorses trump. SNL www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pinZNYxQeo and the real thing - very scary- www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mvlm3LKSlpU

Canada’s take on the election www.facebook.com/inthenowrt/videos/578195305664176/

Laugh at these jokes, though it’s really no laughing matter.
Despite how discouraging the potential outcome of this election seems, with g-d’s help, we hope the politics work out as well as they did in Paras and Madai (Biblical Iran and Persia)(c) Happy Purim from the Lill and Bob Party 2016

In addition to shalacmonos, to fulfill your obligation for matanot l'evyoim, we suggest Rabbi Haber’s Torah Labs Tzedaka fund in Israel, www.torahlab.org/index.php/tzedaka,and Rabbi Luban’s Tzedaka fund, www.ohrtorah.net.