Leading Animals to Smoke

In order to maintain proper decorum at the tomb of the unknown soldier in Rome ....

Speaking Italian in its Native Habitat

So I thought I’d report on how my few weeks of intensive study of Italian paid off in the wild.

Very well, thank you.

I got to use my new language skills almost immediately, in the train station at the Rome airport. A very nice lady came over and asked me in Italian if this was the train to Termini (downtown Rome version of Penn station). She was confused because the train was supposed to leave at - she rattled off a time of day, and here it was - rattled off another time of day. I responded with a fluent shrug since I hadn’t thought to learn the phrase for, “I am also confused.” I went to listen in as she asked someone else. The train did indeed go to Termini.

I spoke in Italian frequently, asking for directions, buying bus tickets, saying good morning, good afternoon, etc. I was surprised at how many Italians do not actually speak Italian, as they had not idea what I was talking about.

Somehow, hard to believe, many key phrases I needed were not in the standard tourist phrase book. Such as "Can you please fill this thermos with hot water", or "How do I get to the hot springs?" And I really hoped it didn't come out as "Would you please fill the thermos with water from the hot springs."

I think I only slipped up by using Spanish a few times. And my Pi just used Hebrew once.

By the end of the trip, even my Pi was Bongiorno-ing and Prego-ing with confidence.

The speaking Italian highlight of the trip came in the city of Saturnia in Tuscany when I booked a room in a charming B&B where no one spoke English.

I smoothly told the guy behind the desk “Vorrei una camera doppia per una notte con bagno per favore.” (I would like a double room with a bathroom for one night, please.) To which he replied, … Actually I have no idea what he said but he handed a woman who worked there two room keys and sent us to take a look.

Both were fine. I asked the woman how much they cost a night. To which she replied, … I was eventually able to figure out … that I needed to ask the guy downstairs.

So we went downstairs to ask the guy, “Quanto costo?” To which he replied … I have no idea what he replied but we made him write it down and fortunately they use the same numbers we do.

He drew us a map to the hot springs, and then told us a lot of other stuff to which we nodded politely. And the next day we figured out was probably something along the lines of "We are closed tomorrow" and "Where to leave the key because the office will be locked."

I also attempted to speak English in Manchester, but that is another story.

Cascate del Mulino a Saturnia

Learning Italian - Last Post

Fire Safety Lesson for Today

The Fire Safety lesson for today is -

Remember, boys and girls, when you toast a bagel in a toaster oven , take it off the paper plate.

Fortunately, there were no casualties from the fire except for a paper plate. And possibly a bagel.

Learning Italian Part 3

Some of the phrases on the Learn To Speak Italian tapes are stupendously useless to the casual American tourist spending a week in Italy.

For example:

I am going to sell my skis to my friend.

The 43rd fisherman.

My brother has a red bicycle.

I would like to sell my house.

In May, I brought the boat to Sweden.


While others are just plain baffling.

In case you don't believe me, listen for yourself.

I don't wash myself.


Could I have a discount off the price of the hotel room please? I don't plan on using any hot water.


He must die.


That tour guide didn't answer any of my questions. Where can I hire a hit man?
or
I need to get the accent right to audition for a part in a gangster movie.

Learning Italian Part 2

Spaghetti. Zucchini. Magnifico. Telefono. Importante.

My Italian lessons are coming along nicely.

And I can say a lot more than that in Italian.

Not that I have any idea what it means.

You see, most of the "Learn to Speak Italian" tapes have no English on them. This is called the 'Total Immersion' technique. Just someone saying stuff in Italian (with no translation), and pausing so you can repeat what they said.

I listen to a Learn Italian CD in the car on the way to and from work. (All the other learn Italian stuff is on cassette tape.) It's kind of like playing Foreign Language Balderdash.

I listen to the Italian, carefully repeat it, and try to guess at the meaning.

For example, I think it just said "Mario is feeding the cat." Or maybe it was "Mario is eating a cat."

There is a book that goes along with the tape, but I can't read it while driving because it would distract me from pressing the rewind button on the cd player in the car.

One set of tapes (Listened to at home. Thanks for lending me your cassette player, Lumpy!) with no English also has sound effects.

I kept up easily in the first lesson that made vroom vromm noises and has people talking to each other with useful phrases like una Toyota es una machina Japanesa.

The next lesson goes bong bong and I think was about telling time. The lessons after that, I have no clue.

By the end of the week I expect to be able to speak a fluent English with a heavy Italian accent. In case any American tourists ask me for directions.

The Mathematics of Packing For Travel

If 1 pair of underwear is good for 17 countries and 6 weeks,

how much underwear is needed for 2 countries and 11 days?

Learning to Speak Italian Part 1

I am going to learn to speak Italian in advance of our upcoming trip to Italy. (After the bar mitzvah in Manchester.)

I'm not going to be one of those stupid American tourists who goes to Italy who doesn't know a word of Italian and expects the locals to speak English.

I hope to be one of those Americans who goes to Italy knowing 15-20 words of Italian, and expects to have meaningful conversations in Italian with the locals, without the locals dying of laughter.

I think it is always important while traveling to be able to carefully communicate in the native language important statements like "I am lost", "I thought this train was going to Florence!" "You might not believe this, but I am an American."

And hope that what I say doesn't actually tranlate into "Your mother looks like a horse."

I plan on building on my fluent knowlege of Spanish from 2 years in HS and many more years of reading El Diario over someone's shoulder in the subway. And Italian is just like Spanish, right?

I have taken out several Learn To Speak Italian tapes from the library.

So far have just been listening to the tapes to get the rhythm of the language. So that if I, say, wander into Switerland or France by mistake, I will realize it immediately.

The tapes promise long lasting benefits. Like being able to understand Opera. Like understanding the names of all the different pasta shapes.

I may not be able to learn important phrases like Where can I get an internet connection so I can blog, or Where can I buy a SD chip for my digital camera, after all these lessons are mostly on cassette tape. So I suspect they may not be up to date on the latest slang.

Maybe I will listen to the tapes while I sleep, and learn subliminally in a method developed by Eli in elementary school.

I look forward to impressing the locals with my fluent misuse of the 15-20 words.

The Lost and Found

We had a great time on yom tov! Thanks everyone for coming!

So far this this is the contents of the lost and found:






Please make a claim, or make a bid.

I'll keep you posted as more things turn up.

The Mother-In-Law Trickle-Down Effect

Grandma’s aide quit yesterday, saying she couldn’t take it anymore.

Grandma is now at our house while we scramble to make other arrangements.

I have told my Pi it is likely that in a few days I will move in with Eli and Stacy.

This is known as the Mother-In-Law Trickle-Down Effect.

Moshe, better get a shidduch fast.

Vasovagal Syncope

The medical condition of the day is Vasovagal Syncope.

Sudden drop in blood pressure causing nausea, near fainting, chalk white face. Cold sweat.

No I did not find out about it from the 2,000 page Merck Medical Info Manual.

Rumors that the manual or the Physicians Desk Reference are my light bedtime reading are totally false. That was only the one time.

Found out about it at the dr (this time for annual physical (if annual means once every few years)).

So turns out weird episode last month was not a heart attack, but a Vasovagal Event, also known as Vasovagal Syncope. Apparently brought on at the time by a bad leg cramp.


You can find out more about this strange medical thing at http://www.londoncardiac.ca/pages/vvs.htm

Although info on that page will NOT apply to you unless you are Canadian. (see website disclaimer.)


And sit down when you read this so you don't faint (ha, ha) - I actually let them give me a Flu Shot!

Given by the same nurse who took my blood last week. And, yes, she did remember me.

I am happy to say, the flu shot did not cause a Vasovagal Syncope. However, I did ask for a band aid (which the nurse was not planning on putting on my arm, can you believe it?)

Also, for those who are interested, I got a good report at the checkup, and am happy to say that I am currently feeling fine except for my right upper arm which is aching and the fingers on my right hand which are tingling and numb.

When Mr, Mrs, and Miss just aren't enough, or how to be Pretentious

Having missed all the other Epstein simchas, My Pi and I are planning to go to the next Epstein Bar Mitzvah, which is taking place in Manchester in the fall.

Signed up for British Air email. Had trouble deciding what to sign up as.

Her Holiness wasn't an option so I had to settle for Princesse.

What would you choose?

From the British Air website:


See for yourself at:
http://www.britishairways.com/travel/inet/public/en_us